1. Resign from job
2. Sprain ankle
3. Finish job
4. Operation
Some of these have been planned, others have been unexpected, but interesting, events along the way.
1. Resign from job
Resigning from my job probably look me about 18 months in all reality. From the first, pushed away flickers of doubt, to the private promise to myself that 12 months from now (a promise made in Dec 2013), I will be doing something different. I went through a period of mini-meltdowns and leadership coaching. I worried about the practical realities of giving up a regular income and tried to rationalise why, when I have a really good job at a really good company, would I want to throw it away. Especially when work is not easy to come by where I live and the country is still trying to haul itself out of a recession.
There were still parts of my job that I liked, still elements that gave me job satisfaction, still things that I wanted to see through and projects I wanted to finish. Not to mention my intelligent, dedicated, kind, fun and supportive colleagues, whose company I got to enjoy everyday.
But ultimately I wasn't happy. The effort had started to outweigh the enjoyment and things that I would once have relished became overwhelming. Most of all though, I started to fear I was wasting my life, channelling my energy into someone else's dream, just because I had suitable skills, rather than focusing on my own dreams.
To quote Mark Twain/Albert Enstein/Henry Ford (we're not really sure who the quote originates with but the sentiment is a very good one), 'If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got.'
So I made the decision to change. The change could only come from me, nobody else was able to do it for me (although some wished they could). It was hard, scary and on-paper probably seemed mad, but it 'felt right'. I can't tell you how I knew that, so can only conclude it was my soul telling me. It is time to work on my own dreams.
2. Spain my ankle
This rather innocuous event has played an important role in my shutdown process. As I mentioned in my first blog post, it forced me to stop. The danger upon leaving my job was that I would carry on doing what I'd always done - filling my time with tasks, ticking things off lists, feeling artificially productive in the process. What is wrong with that? Well, I'd be hiding from myself. My ankle sprain meant I was physically forced not to do this. I started this blog is a means of reflection, and it is really helping.
3. Finish job
I worked my notice on a part-time basis over a period of 6 weeks instead off full-time over 4. This was for my own benefit, but also gave the company a longer period of time to find a replacement and my colleagues and me chance to work out what knowledge needed to be transferred. It was a good decision. But the transition itself was strange - my opinion was sought less, I was invited to less critical meetings. There was denial and anger, not just from me! Work still came my way - because nobody knew what else to do with it. I carried on with actual work right up to my very last morning. I worried that this would not leave a particularly good legacy, but I did the best I could and in the end, I found acceptance. I am pleased that by my final send off, I could look back with positivity on my time there and any disillusionment had diminished. Importantly, my soul was still happy with my decision.
4. Operation
Rather like my ankle sprain, this event is another checkpoint for me to ensure I shutdown cleanly. I blogged about the operation itself last week, but what is really interesting is how this event has really opened up my mind to reflection. My thoughts are tumbling thick and fast - I should be resting, but sleep is eluding me because I need to get my thoughts out and written down. Which is why I've been writing since 5am. I never choose to be awake this early unless I am going on holiday! I don't know how long this will last but I'm keeping an open mind and will keep scribbling until I feel the shutdown is complete.
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